Full Circle

Day 60

Thursday

Some days have a short and (bitterly un-)sweet sentiment. Today was one of those days.

Fuck this.

A false flash of hope had me thinking I didn’t need crutches, and then my foot screamed in pain, denying any ability to walk. Back to hobbling around, now at least in new sneakers, hypothetically more supportive, but the promise of feeling like I’m walking on clouds must have been just for the shoes on display. I felt like a leaden bob, hopping up and down with each right foot, left foot and 2 crutches; right foot, left foot and 2 crutches, etc…hands smarting from holding onto the only thing keeping me going. Arms clawing at my shoulders, begging me to stop this insane march.

But sometimes life has a beautiful way of coming full circle. Here I was, stuck in Spain, perfectly miserable at my unfulfilling teaching position and hobbling through cobblestone and high heeled beauties, shrinking deeper and deeper into the shell of myself, hung between metal poles clicking in my hands, having been brought here because of the children who needed to learn English. They gave me a ticket here and led me to the very place where I would be most miserable. Then I went to teach English to my land lord’s children and I hobbled out a rejuvenated soul. Those darn kids made me smile, made me laugh and dared me to marvel at their innocence and sincerity. And so the very thing I found myself cursing is the only thing that keeps me going. I hurry home to look up new games we can play and plan for our next class, noting that we need to practice “Rock, Paper, Scissors” more because they keep forgetting to use scissors.

And as I write this, thinking about coming full circle I think about T.S. Eliot…

We shall never cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

Am I coming back to myself, having explored the multiplicity of ways of being and the ceaseless sunshine of a child’s smiles? Am I coming back having explored adulthood to know my inner child? I’m not sure, but this slightly smiley feeling I’m snuggling with in my thick sweater and cup of tea has me thinking I just might be…