Cleaning House.

I'm being left behind.

In so many ways that one sentence sums up this year. I'm being left behind. In my head it is spun out in tangent anxieties, lonely walks and jaw clenching frustration during classes. But today, as I stood in my PJs watching my stylish roommate pack for his weekend trip, asking me if these shorts matched this shirt and if the hat worked with the brown shoes, I laughed and gave my best peanut gallery advice. He rolled his suitcase out the door and I put the kettle on. Tea time. My brooding time. I had the apartment all to myself....not really a blessing when you've got too much time to spend with just yourself already. So I cleaned. Throwing away the crumbs of our existence in the apartment. Dishes washed, floors mopped, counters wiped. chairs straightened, doors open letting the wind run through the fresh surfaces and the newly arranged space. And there I sat in an apartment that looked barely lived in, feeling the weight of my life barely lived. What could I use to scrub at the malaise I was feeling? Why couldn't I ball it up and put it in the trash?

And I thought as my toes curled over the iron rail of my balcony and I held my cup of tea, staring out into the bustling street, maybe I could just sleep away the coming month...maybe then I wouldn't be living the nightmare of being left behind by friends who got 'real' jobs and now have bank accounts and homes, by friends who went back to school and now have another diploma, by friends who still have bikes they can ride, by friends that got married, by friends that now have families, by friends that kept dancing salsa, by friends that get to be with other friends...
maybe I could dream away the month, and oh it's such a tempting fantasy, but no, no, no, a box came today, full of love and Peanut Butter flavored with bananas, reminding me that there are still people who want me to keep going and that there are still surprises to be discovered.

And a dear friend who refuses to let me sulk away in Spain reaches out and gives me a voice to say, "I will be good with my time here."

I will be good with my time here. As a memory that lives in your hearts, I will be good with my time there, so that when I reach you on the path we're walking, you'll know me by the life in my eyes and the light in my smile.