Day 32
I feel like the man on the moon performing a masquerade of life in zero gravity. Moving with the speed of a thought lost in hesitation, my days take on a calculated deliberateness, searching for the enamor of a barren life while imagining what splendid things must be going on beneath the clouds covering Earth. There is nothing to push against and there is nothing to push me back, it’s a vacuum. And I float….all the while flailing hoping to hit something in the darkness that might send me back to Earth or might powder me with stardust, making not all dreams come true, but just a small plea for purpose. I remember when I used to sit at home and imagine the wonders of the far off, but now that I’m here, the gleam of the stars is still a lifetime away and what I took to be great opportunity for change and growth is really just a dream over dreamt, overworked and out of season. And so like a solo astronaut on a mission around the moon I keep checking in with Houston, playing on repeat their words of encouragement and plastering my windows with their cards to block out the galaxy so I might forget how far away I really am and how long it is till I come back around.
But it doesn’t seem fair that my only report of my space travel is to say it wasn’t Earth. Speaking in only negatives brings me no closer to the positives. Maybe if I could find away to get out of this foreign suit and find a more fluid way of moving in this new atmosphere I could enjoy the zeal of passing comets, dance through asteroid fields, and venture into black holes. There’s no Abort Mission button, I made sure to leave that at home, but there is a big Make It Work button that is worn smooth with use. Maybe someone somewhere will pick up my frequency and fly my way. Until then, I’m mapping the universe, wondering where the Man in the Moon has gone to…his smile was deceivingly inviting. I’d like to know his secret for living out here. The stars are too engrossed in their own twinkling to take note of my approach and time stretches on for light years; testing my patience for the long duration that acclimation takes.
But one bad day is buffered by one fun night. Sometimes the rush of a shooting star comes close enough that you can catch its drift and cruise along in euphoria for a bit. Salsa class offered me an hour of blissful respite from Spain. It was a class of just Erasmus students so we awkwardly greeted each other in mangled Spanish, each having a preference for some other tongue. Luckily for me English is the universal language and so when we were failing in Spanish I tried English and they all smiled, relieved to hear a much more familiar sound. The teacher as well helped inundate the class with playful and yet relaxing vibes. She is from Argentina, which means she doesn’t bother with the ludicrous Andalucian (or even Castellano) accent, which more importantly means I COULD UNDERSTAND HER. Hallelujah. At first when I was getting everything she was telling the class I became very curious as to why I was keeping up. Had dancing given me new ears? Was it the power of salsa I was channeling? No, no, she just actually pronounced all of the letters in words and didn’t speak with a lisp like she’d just gotten her tongue pierced. But while the language was like a massage for my ear canal, the dancing was a bit more painful. It was a beginner class. Everyone was doing what I endearingly call the Beginner Bop. They bounce forward and back, not quite having smoothed the steps out to make it look like they were gliding. So we did more of the jitterbug than salsa, but still we danced.
And then at the end of class a most remarkable thing happened. Perhaps smelling the familiar scent of extranjera loneliness that I can’t seem to wash off, the Germans who were at the class asked me if I wanted to go grab a drink with them. My mouth began to move in motions of yes, but I couldn’t process the request, it had been too long since someone had asked me to do something socially, as a friend. I eventually stuttered a few too many, ‘yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.’ Trying my hardest to tone down any eager beaverness I might be radiating. Trying to seem cool, chill, NBD. While inside I was grinning like a 20 year old kid who’d just been given a drink without being carded. It must be said, Germans speak wonderful English. Perfect English. I wanted to hate them for being basically tri-lingual, but I was too busy loving them for loving me. And as I write this sentence I can barely believe it happened….We hung out. And I had fun. Yes, this all happened in Malaga, Espana. Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it either. And god, what’s more, they were friendly! Not that I imagine all Germans as Nazi sympathizers, but I was just surprised by their smiles and laughter, I don’t get those two often, in good humor that is. They were hilarious too, ordering extra large beers and drinking them faster than I had a chance to say ‘una copa, porfa” (a small beer please). Like true Germans, I surmise, they asked if I was going to finish my beer before we left. I only had maybe 2 sips left, but my tongue balked at the idea of emptying my cup. Maybe I’m scarred from drinking Natty Light at college, but beer does not hold a special place in my heart. A bottle of vino tinto is another story though…I waved it off saying that I had to teach early tomorrow morning, no need to finish it (lie). They looked incredulous, but still said good bye and hoped to see me next week at salsa. You couldn’t have paid me 10000000000000000000000 euro to stop smiling as I walked home. It is amazing what the kindness of a friendship can do to heal a hurting heart. I know that they aren’t Spanish and so I can’t practice the language with them, but regardless, they were friendly and they made me laugh, which is more than I can say for about all of Spain. Even if they do like to drink beer for fun, I hope to see them again.
I love you all and as you are obviously aware of (and if you aren’t aware, you’re a clod) I miss you!
And mama and faja, thank you :) how on earth did you find a bar of chocolate 90% dark chocolate? Parents have special powers, I’m sure of it. Thank you for using them for good!
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