Engage in Vulnerability

I believe that you get what you give. Which is why 4th grade A infuriates me. As a courteous example of someone who shows respect, professionalism and is academically inquisitive, I am constantly confounded by the extreme disrespect they show me. They pay me absolutely no heed. I feel like a farce forgotten as I write words on the board. I feel the eyes that don't look at me when I talk and the ears that don't hear me as I ask questions. I see them wandering the classroom, my demands for them to stay seated sliding off their backs. And so in my frustration, I tried a new tactic today. I had previously tried 'dis-engaging', admitting that if they didn't want to learn, I couldn't make them, but I care too much about my work to dis-engage, so today, I reached my breaking point, and instead of presenting the picture of perfection, I showed them how vulnerable they made me feel.

Vulnerability is terrifying.

Countless eyes stared at me in shameful awe as I stood shaking at the point of tears and begged them to answer me, "Why am I the only teacher who doesn't deserve respect?" Adrenaline took my tongue and I lashed out at them, "I walk by this class and I see you all working quietly, respecting your teacher, so I know that you all are capable of behaving, but I don't know why you treat me like I don't matter. I love Los Llanos, I love teaching, I love all my students, but this class...this class...I think, perhaps I'll tell Carmen that I don't want to come teach them anymore, and it will be their loss that they don't speak English. They are not worth my time. And that makes me sad, because I want you to learn. I'm sorry that I don't speak Spanish perfectly, but we are a team. I help you learn English and you help me speak Spanish. Did you ever think about that? I want to help you all, but I need your help first. Did you ever think about how I felt, ignored at the front of the class? I don't ask perfection, I don't ask fluency, I just as you to listen and respect my efforts. Or I'm going to drop this class."

[Silence]

"Any questions?"

Frozen faces, drained with color.

"think about what I said then. And now let's finish the worksheet."

Worksheet was finished...in silence...

My challenge for my last month here...engage.